[all that i've got]

About two minutes ago, I'm sitting here on my bed recopying my notes from Chemical Engineering Problem Solving and Experimental Design. It's kind of mundane work, the recopying. We're learning some basic linear algebra and using that knowledge to begin to understand how MATLAB works. Since I've been using MATLAB in my research for a whole semester, it's all coming very easily to me. My biggest problem in lab today was actually the fact that I was approaching the problem differently than everyone else, possibly a function of not paying much attention last semester and/or having two days of social science classes. But the actual programming is a snap. Not only is it a snap, but I love doing it and learning more formally why things work the way that they do. The recopying, however... eh. Not particularly necessary, but I'd left my composition book in my room because I hadn't anticipated her lecturing during the lab portion of the class.

So anyway the point is that since the recopying was a bit mundane, my mind was wandering. I was thinking about some of the conversations I had today and some of the classes I was in, and I started thinking about this whole major-change topic. I'm still not sure what I want to do but I have consistently been told that I should think about staying in Chemical Engineering because of the prestige and respect it will grant me after I graduate, even as an activist.

So I'm thinking and thinking about that response. I'm really not crazy about that response, especially since I've gotten it from just about every single person whose opinion I have asked. I think, if anything, the repitition has reinforced that I can not stay in the major for that reason, because every time I hear those words I cringe on the inside, even though the point is perfectly valid.

Then something struck me. Sometimes I do this weird thing where I imagine having conversations with people, but they're never talking. I just imagine the other person as a subject listening to me and I monologue in my head. I never do this on purpose. It just happens spontaneously. Oddly, this often allows me to come up with brilliant realizations, whereas simply thinking about a topic often leaves me completely empty. It's probably also why blogging has been my primary mode of self-discovery since I was 13.

So I'm imagining explaining the situation to Dr. Ross, probably because I'm recopying the notes I took in her class today, and of course she's not talking, but I imagine in this scene of mine she's said the things other people said, and out of nowhere my internal monologue starts off:

I mean, this is my LIFE. I only get to do it once. I can't wonder for the rest of my life.

Suddenly the monologue is over as soon as it began, and I'm back in my head; my mind is reeling. Although I had essentially been saying it for weeks, it had just hit me what those words meant.

This is the only one I get. I will never get to live this moment again.

The realization I've come to is that it has to be about what makes me happy right this second. I can never come back to these moments and live life to the fullest again.

I don't know how these decisions will impact my career. And quite frankly, I don't care, as foolish as that sounds. My mind is still not made up, but only because I'm not truly sure if I will enjoy a full load of social science courses.

So I will continue to listen to advice about my future career and how this major change will impact it, cringing a little on the inside all along the way. This semester is not about figuring out the pros and cons of the impact of this decision on my future career. Once again, this decision will be based on what feels right to me. The decision to live my life that way has yet to steer me wrong.

I only get to live it once.