[can't]

I can't get a hold of my brother. It's driving me absolutely nuts. The kid never answers his phone. I miss him a lot and my brain is already beginning to formulate potential solutions for what happens when he gets into college and can't afford to go. I think I'd do just about anything to see him succeed, and that's a little surprising to me. I think I'd rather graduate a semester or two late because I had to work and couldn't take as many credits as I needed to if it meant helping to support him so he could get an education.

That idea is rocking me a little bit. I really need to talk to him about it because I'm not sure if he'd accept the help if I offered it. But lately making sure he gets set up for college is one of the biggest items on my mind and I can't even get a hold of him to talk about it. Also he won't turn 18 until October so I'm kind of wondering if my dad will even let me "help" him, especially since that help would likely come largely in the form of housing him and my dad has issues about even letting me see him for an evening.

It's a little scary. I don't think I've ever been so resolved to do something that would involve self-sacrifice. Yet I don't know if I can accept seeing him not go to college because of money, because I know how easily that could have been me. So easily. Also, part of it, the selfish part, is that I don't know if I can take another year of not seeing him regularly. A year and a half has been far too long.

I just want to give him what I never had. I just want to give myself back what my dad took away.

I just want to have a family again.