These past few weeks have been pretty crazy. I've been thinking about running for SGA Vice President for Student Organizations, and I made up my mind to do so last week. Meanwhile, I managed to catch up on all of my school work while falling behind in all of my projects for SGA. But meanwhile meanwhile, I've been going through some personal development of my own that feels fantastically productive.
Love is something I have been thinking a great deal about. I've been gradually coming out as polyamorous and genderqueer, which has been difficult at best. Sometimes I want to speak up about one or the other and still feel too afraid or uncomfortable to do so. These things are much more difficult to be open about then being queer (in the sense of sexual orientation). Although this is a funny thought for me because to ME, the word "queer" means all of those things. It encompasses my relationship style preference, gender identity, and sexual orientation. These are all a part of who I am, yet the other parts can be much more difficult to explain to others than sexual orientation.
Fear is another thing I have been thinking a lot about. Loving someone enough that I end up making myself vulnerable to them is scary, but loving another person that much is such a vital part of life. Believing in myself is a little scary too. If I place so much value in the idea that I can do anything I set my mind to and then I fail at something I've given 110%, what does that say about the basis of my self-worth? If my sense of self-worth can't be based in the opinions of those around me, and it can't be based in my inherent ability to succeed, where can I place it? Perhaps once again, my view of the situation is too black and white. But when climbing a mountain, do you want to lodge your grapple hook in a mostly sturdy cliff face? Probably not.
My good friend Conti shared with me an excellent question during a conversation of ours yesterday, and I wanted to pass along the thought.
"Are you alive, or are you just breathing?" [origin: killswitch engage album title]
I don't want to say that I wasted my first three semesters at UMBC, but I feel like in many ways, I was just breathing. Going through the motions of a major I was not passionate about, deeply immersed in my personal relationships, and drawing boxes all around myself to keep myself confined, safe; I do not think that I was truly living for quite a stretch of time.
So I guess that's my challenge to you. Are you alive, or are you just breathing?
You only get to live this moment once. Don't justify wasting it by telling yourself that you are breathing. Hold your breath. The plunge is worth it.
3 days ago
4 comments:
you have so much going on right now that it makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. If there's anything I can do for you let me know :)
<3
Hmmm. interesting thoughts. Self worth has nothing to do with other peoples opinions of you. Hence the "self" part. But I think it does depend on success, at least to some degree. However, your definition of success makes all the difference in that.
Let's say you set you mind to being able to run a marathon. "And you can do anything you set your mind to." Is your success in completing the marathon. Or is it in being able to enjoy running. A marathon involves A LOT of training, building up the distances. Do you enjoy running outdoors, the wind in your hair, the burning mussels, the view as you crest the top of the hill, the relief as you start down a grade after such effort to reach the top? If you enjoy these things, you can find your success in the run, not necessarily the distance.
If you slip and fall a mile from the finish and can not continue, did you fail, in YOUR EYES? You enjoyed the training. You enjoyed the camaraderie of others who shared your love for the sport. You enjoyed the wind, the burn, the view. If you enjoyed yourself, and you don't care what others think, then you succeeded.
On the other hand, if you hate all these things but you finished the race, did you live or were you just breathing (heavily)?
There are some things you need to do. If you want to be a doctor, if your desire is to heal people, then you need to take the classes and learn how our bodies work. You may not enjoy every class or every moment, but you do it so that you can do what you love in the end. You may have a few years of hard work to get to being a doctor. But you can then live a lifetime of doing what you love. Being alive isn't about enjoying every moment. It's about making every moment worth while.
If YOU understand why you endure hardships, if you work toward something you value, if you enjoy what you value, you have self worth.
that's the two cents of a college drop out that loves his job and has been doing it since he was 16 (coming up on 28 years).
Todd
Great post, Paula. My most recent post was inspired in part by your comments on self-worth: http://cocreateumbc.blogspot.com/2009/03/lifelong-search-for-buried-treasure.html
I totally feel you! Only this semester have I started feeling "alive". I've spent the last two years just going through stupid motions and now I can finally say I'm alive. I've been making friends and rebuilding some relationships and damn, it's amazing. I'm nowhere near the level of "living" I want but this small bit of life is, well, breath-taking.
We're in this together! Hope to see you soon.
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