[believe]

Self-fulfilling prophecies.

When I was in middle and early high school, I had a youth pastor who would talk about self-fulfilling prophecies a lot. My first impression of his idea that one's success was partially determined by whether one believed in themselves or not was that it was complete bullshit. I was 14 years old and a pessimist if you'd ever met one. My life sucked, the world was a shitty place, and my lack of ability to succeed was based entirely on my circumstances and not my attitude about myself or the world, in my opinion.

Maybe I wanted to believe in myself but never felt like I had much to believe in.

Somewhere along the way, I found a twisted way to believe in this idea that attitudes determine outcome. In late high school and early college, I came to believe in this idea that I could do anything I set my mind to. I was invincible because it was a catch-22. I never wanted to do anything unless I believed I could succeed, but I never believed that I could succeed unless I had reason to. Thus I never failed because I never wanted to do anything unless I already knew I could.

In many ways, I still follow this unspoken rule.

To some people this looks an awful lot like motivation. I think I just happen to have an excellent grasp on what can and can't be done. I make carefully calculate risks subconsciously and thus can't usually articulate why I believe in a certain cause or action. I just feel it very strongly in my gut and run with it. I have been successful because I believe in myself, and that belief often comes off as courage because I have a tendency to believe in ideas that others do not.

My ability to succeed, however, feels like it ends where my beliefs weaken.

My ability to believe in myself has been battered throughout this election, because I'm not sure if I really believe in my ability to beat my opponent. The decision is largely out of my hands and governed by a complex network of campus politics that I feel like I have very minimal control over. It doesn't seem to matter as much as I had hoped that I am more passionate about the position or have better ideas. The tactics that work are cheap campaign tricks that have very little substance, and that disappoints me, because I can't believe in those things.

I want to believe that the truth matters, but I'm feeling less and less like it does.

I want to be supportive of Greek Life organizations and find a common ground to advocate for them, but something in my gut wrenches when almost every single one of my friends rushes a fraternity and I am left sitting in the SGA office, alone, while they all have a good time, simply because I am female. The world feels like a giant injustice, and I am reminded that although I can advocate for people and organizations who participate in a system I disagree with, there is a reason that I believe what I believe. Some things are worth fighting for, even at the risk of political loss.

I want to believe that people are ultimately good, but I am consistently disappointed because I can often tell when people are lying to me, and although I try to believe that I am wrong, am consistently proven to be correct. Is that a self-fulfilling prophecy, or am I just extremely perceptive? I want to believe that people are good. I want to believe that the lies are just misunderstandings. I want to believe that the disagreements are good-natured, and that decisions are made for ethical, not political reasons.

It's April, and I've never in my life found it this hard to believe the words that escape my fingertips. I want to believe. I want a reason. I want to give the student body a reason to believe that who they elect to office matters. I want to believe that my ability to change things matters more than my ability to employ cheap campaign tactics or strategize. Everytime I hand someone a flier with a piece of candy attached or plot campaign strategy, though, I feel like I'm doing the student body an injustice.

I believe that I can win. I believe because I must. I believe because it might just be the only thing that matters.

So if you're one of those students who actually cares, bear with us through cheap campaign tactics, dress suits, cheezy slogans, bright fliers, and fake smiles. I think we all hate it just as much as you do.

The next five days are going to be hell. Part of me wants to just give up because my belief in myself and those around me is wavering. But I won't, because I believe that the students at this campus deserve more than that.

I hope you vote for me, not just because I handed you a Reese's cup, but because you believe that we can do better.