[for here or to go?]

It has officially been one week since I moved out of my apartment and into my backpack.

Did I do it out of necessity, or was it a choice? This question has been frequently asked of me. My situation is tricky. I view it as a necessity. Some view it as a choice. But I guess the truth is that it's all relative. Everything is a choice. I could have put myself into a situation that would have been unhealthy for me in favor of having a roof over my head. I could have wasted a summer away from where I need to be in favor of a place to sleep. I chose to do neither of these things, because for me, those things aren't options. I don't willingly damage myself further than I already have been, and I don't waste time. I don't do 'stagnant.'

I'd rather sleep on a park bench, as I've said before. Luckily it hasn't come to that.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I choose to make my life so difficult. I don't question that these difficult choices are/were the right choices, but question what led me to make them. Most people tend to see their level of happiness or personal satisfaction as negotiable, but hold more tenable facets of life-- food, money, shelter-- as non-negotiables.

I think I simply view things in opposite terms. My level of happiness, my ability to move, to progress, to accomplish; these things are non-negotiable. I would rather go hungry or sleep on the street than sit in the air conditioning far away from Baltimore, static and bored.

It drives me nuts to hear people say "I can't." Sure, there are some situations where you truly "can't" do things, but this term is typically overused and situations are exaggerated. You almost always have a choice.

It's easy for me to say, "I can't go to California because I don't have any money." But in reality, I could start walking today. I could hitchhike. I could train-hop. I could find odd ways to earn money or steal food. I could go hungry. I could do a lot of things. Sure, it would be difficult and my plans could be foiled along the way. I could get arrested. But I could damn well get out of Baltimore and head to California.

I choose not to do that. But I recognize that I can. I can live out of a backpack. I can be homeless. I can hang out with anarchists. I can be an activist. I can change the world.

As for right now, I've been volunteering at Red Emma's, which allows me to feed myself at least once a day when I work, and sleeping at various friends' places. It's been exciting, and particularly liberating. It hasn't been easy, and I don't always know where I'll end up each night, but I'm taking it one day at a time.

Living life "to go" is an interesting experience. I've been keeping a journal. Dumpster diving, street festivals, bus rides, long walks, randomness, couch surfing, and scrounging for food has been the norm these days. A loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter means several hearty meals, and a hot shower is wonderfully humanizing. Returning to UMBC feels like coming home every time, but Baltimore feels like my playground. Mine.

My brother graduates high school tonight. I wish I had the money to buy him something, but I barely have enough to feed myself these days. I'm glad I can be there for him, though. I hope I can give him what no one ever gave me-- the knowledge that I will be there for him no matter what, that the word "can't" is meaningless, that when he is ready to get out, the world will be there, waiting to be conquered.

Being on my own has never felt less lonely.