[chasing instability]

I don't think I can remember the last time I heard those words. Or maybe I just can't remember the last time I believed them.

But I think it was you who said them last. Or at least, who I last believed.

Sometimes I wonder if I've spent my whole life chasing a concept that doesn't exist. If there is no such thing, if I have demanded the impossible, if I have spent my whole life thus far feeling like nothing else is enough, if all of that was for nothing...

But then I remember that this pursuit I engage in is all I have. It is the only thing that drives me, the only reason worth eating, breathing, moving, loving, sleeping, existing.

If I chase the impossible, if what I seek is nonexistent, then maybe I will always be alone in my pursuit. Maybe my passion will be the very thing that keeps me from finding what I seek.

But I don't think I want to live in a world where I am wrong. I don't want to settle for believing that I've wasted so much. I think I'd rather live alone than let the part of myself that believes this is the only thing that matters die.

So I'll keep running after the glimmers in the corners of my eyes. I'll move from place to place, person to person, world to world, even if it seems like I'm not going anywhere. I'll keep searching for what is strong in the most broken of places. I'll keep chasing the impossible, because that pursuit is all I've ever known.

Maybe someday I will learn that the only thing I am chasing is instability.

But unless that day comes I am never going to stop.