[everything i ever wanted... but differently]

So I spent the last two weeks of my summer on a lot of firsts. First Amtrak train ride, first time traveling by myself, and my first trip to the western United States. It was an incredible feeling to step out of the train station in Chicago and explore downtown on my own. I've spent the last two years being independent, so such feelings usually don't phase me, but something about being hundreds of miles away from home by myself felt different. Seeing the western states on the way to Nevada by train and then by airplane on the way back was incredible. And something about traveling so far on my own felt like I was claiming something. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on myself and the world around me, to forge hopes and dreams in a material perhaps stronger than anything I've used before.

As the airplane descended on the scattered blanket of Christmas lights that was the Baltimore metropolis, I felt a surge of something warm and mighty. It was so good to be home. I hadn't felt so glad to see Baltimore since I returned from my last trip to India at the age of thirteen.

Today I dumped out my backpack on the floor of my bedroom and headed out to grab some groceries. As I strolled down Calvert street, historical townhouses on either side of me, I couldn't help but realize how very awesome it was that I was living in Mount Vernon.

Sure, I was forced out of my housing at UMBC and had to live out of a backpack for five weeks. Sure, the commute to UMBC without a car will be difficult and time-consuming. Sure, I live in a warehouse space with lead paint in the ceiling, no air conditioning, and rust in the pipes. But in spite of how I got here, I am somewhere I have wanted to be for a long time.

If you asked 17-year-old me what I would do next if I could do anything, I'm sure I would have told you that I wanted to go to college. I knew I wanted to live on campus my freshman year, but I dreamed of living in downtown Baltimore someday. If you told 17-year-old me that when I was 20, I'd be living in Mount Vernon with four good friends, attending UMBC on a full scholarship, and studying mathematics, chemical engineering, sexuality politics, and how to change the world, I think the elicited response would have been "FUCK YEAH!"

I have less money than I'd like right now. Some weeks I eat a little less than I'd like. The commute to UMBC is somewhat long. I have to work more hours than I'd like, and I get to do fewer extracurriculars as a result. I have a few more credit-hours in my class schedule than I think I can handle. I'm worried about paying for books, making rent, and paying for food. Money and time are my major limitations, and they are stressful ones to have without much of a support system in place.

Coming home let me, for a moment, look beyond those stress factors at where I actually am in life. And I realized, today, that I am exactly where I have wanted to be for a long time. If anything, I got there even faster than I thought possible.

I'm worried about how the pieces will fall together. I am worried about failing myself. I am worried about not being able to handle my own life. Maybe everything I wanted is really too much for me. There is a feeling of security within the walls of UMBC, even if the reality is that I am on my own either way. If my life falls apart in the city, and I am living out of my backpack or doing nothing important with my life, that seems fine. No major consequences. If my life falls apart and I'm taking classes, and I fail out of school...

My faith in myself has been wavering. I'm having trouble believing that I can do or handle anything I want. I'm worried about what will happen this semester, and that makes enjoying where I am in life hard.

But boy is my life awesome. Sometimes I just need to remind myself. I have everything I ever wanted. Just differently.

UMBC Fall 2009, bring it on.